It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
