can u get pink eye on your cock?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
