If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
