It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
