my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
