you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
