Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
