i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
