We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
cat food counts as protein by the way
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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