u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
