I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
