Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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