I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
