I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
