that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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