I accidentally had phone sex last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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