last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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