She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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