What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
