My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He has the fingertips of a God
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
