CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
