Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
