She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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