yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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