when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
