I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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