he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
