...so i touched it.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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