Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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