i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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