I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
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I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
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I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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