walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
