...so i touched it.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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