I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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