Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize