This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
