I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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