He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
