Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
