I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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