It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
