she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
