I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
