just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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