I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
