She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
