you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
