chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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