so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
