dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
