I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
