I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
