On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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