Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
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You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
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Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
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