i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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