I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
