she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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