day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
