I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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